Football Jokes

September 5th, 2009 9 Comments »

I’ve been sent a couple of good ones recently so here they are.  Please add yours on to the comments here.  The best ones will be added to the main page.

Breaking News: Hearts striker Christian Nade has been diagnosed with MRSA, the flesh eating disease. Doctors have given the fat bastard 40 years to live.

John Hughes walks by the touchline at the end of a game.  A fan puts out his arm and Hughes signs it.  Further on a lady lifts her top and Hughes signs her breasts.  As he nears the tunnel, a woman leaps naked onto the pitch, lies down and spreads her legs.  yogi says, “Sorry, it’s Csaba Laszlo that signs all the fannies.”

Breaking news: 2 Plane loads of volunteers from Ibrox have taken off from Prestwick Airport heading for Haiti to assist with the looting and rioting.

A container holding 250,000 Hearts tops was returned to the Scottish Executive today by the people of Haiti. Attached was a not saying “We have no homes, no food and no water but we still have our dignity.”

I loaned the Jambo next door £20 last week and haven’t seen him since….feckin’ bargain!

Csaba Laszlo and Yogi Hughes are in the pub.  Laslo buys the first drinks, Yogi gets the next round in and then Csaba goes up again, once those drinks are done, Yogi turns round to Csaba and says “Shouldn’t you fuck off now, it’s the 4th round!”

Be careful , driving conditions are awful tonight.  I just came off the road and hit a Jambo.  It took e ten minutes, two fields & a golf course but I finally got him.

What’s the differance between Christian Nade and a beach ball?

The beach ball has scored this season.

Thanks to Brainwrong for many of these.

If you enjoyed this you might want to see some of the best and worst beards in football.

Hibs above Rangers and Celtic. Hearts are insolvent.

July 15th, 2009 8 Comments »

Credit rating company, Equifax has released details of the ratings of SPL clubs.  As you’d expect, Hibs fare pretty well, coming in 3rd place behind St. Mirren and St. Johnstone who both had maximum points of 100.  Hibs have 87 points which Equifax rate as an “A” – Very Good Score.  The funny stuff comes nearer the bottom were Hearts are listed as “insolvent” which comes as no real surprise but is still nice to see from an authoritative source.  Motherwell are also listed as insolvent and Hamilton get 2 points.

I was amused to see Dundee United at 42 points but actually that’s a “D” – Avergae Score. 42 is pretty good when compared to the English Premiership teams, only 5 of whom get over 50 points and 11 of whom are technically insolvent.

So, what does it all mean? Absolutely bugger all.  More recession scaremongery and a company (Equifax) inventing a press release purely for the publicity.


Club Score out of 100 Technically Insolvent
St. Johnstone 100
St. Mirren 100
Hibernian 87
Rangers 84
Celtic 79
Aberdeen 78
Kilmarnock 71
Falkirk 57
Dundee United 42
Hamilton Academical 2 Yes
Hearts 0 Yes
*Motherwell 0 Yes

*Motherwell Football and Athletic Club Limited is a company voluntary arrangement, so automatically given zero points and insolvency rating.


Club Score out of 100 Technically Insolvent
Man Utd 100
Arsenal 98
WBA 78
Blackburn Rovers 68
Tottenham 50
Sunderland 37
West Ham 37
Manchester City 27
Liverpool 26
Fulham 20 Yes
Everton 18 Yes
Newcastle Utd 12 Yes
Aston Villa 10 Yes
Chelsea 10 Yes
Middlesbrough 7 Yes
Bolton Wanderers 5 Yes
Portsmouth 2 Yes
Wigan Athletic 2 Yes
Stoke City 2 Yes
Hull City 1 Yes

SPL Fixtures 2009/2010

June 17th, 2009 1 Comment »

The opening day fixtures for next season’s SPL have been announced. Hibs have St.Mirren at home on the first game of next season. The rest of the fixtures are expected shortly.

Edit: Here are the fixture for the rest of the season:

Fantastic to see a derby at Easter Road on 2nd of January 2010.

Aberdeen v Celtic
Dundee Utd v Hearts
Hibernian v St Mirren
Kilmarnock v Hamilton
Rangers v Falkirk
St Johnstone v Motherwell

Artur Boruc match fixing

February 14th, 2009 14 Comments »
Artur Boruc in better times

Artur Boruc in better times

Rumours aboud online and offline that Celtic’s Polish goal keeper, Artur Boruc is about to be investigated for match fixing.  If it is true (and I’m sure it’s just a horrible rumour), this would bring his recent blunders into question, especially John Rankin’s “squiggler” against him at Easter Road.

Artur Boruc has always been a controversial player.  His well publicised drinking problems, regular gesturing and reacting to opposition fans and generally being a fat waste of space have turned him from being supposedly one of Europe’s top keepers to an all round joke.  Believing he could be involved in match fixing is too easy.

Boruc was in the headlines most recently last week when he punched team mate Aiden Mcgeady in the face during training, so he’s not all bad.

That this rumour has started just before an Old Firm derby is no surprise and suggests it’s a load of bollocks.  Easy to believe bollocks but bollocks none the less.

Artur Boruc says internet drug fail rumours are rubbish in The News of the Screws.

Hearts fan crying over a penalty

February 8th, 2009 1 Comment »

Hearts were dumped out of the Scottish Cup this weekend by Yogi’s Falkirk.  In a game full of controversy (especially if you’re a Jambo), Hearts were awarded a penalty only to have it rescinded after the referee consulted his linesman who had had a better view.  Hearts fans have taken this as yet more evidence of a conspiracy against them and no-one was more upset than Paddy from Leven.  Paddy wasn’t content with making a total arse of himself on the Tartan Army Messageboard, he had to phone up Jim Traynor on Radio Scotland and make a total anus of himself on national radio by bursting into tears.  Oh, the emotion…..

Thanks to Tortohibby for putting this on YouTube.