Football Jokes

September 5th, 2009 9 Comments »

I’ve been sent a couple of good ones recently so here they are.  Please add yours on to the comments here.  The best ones will be added to the main page.

Breaking News: Hearts striker Christian Nade has been diagnosed with MRSA, the flesh eating disease. Doctors have given the fat bastard 40 years to live.

John Hughes walks by the touchline at the end of a game.  A fan puts out his arm and Hughes signs it.  Further on a lady lifts her top and Hughes signs her breasts.  As he nears the tunnel, a woman leaps naked onto the pitch, lies down and spreads her legs.  yogi says, “Sorry, it’s Csaba Laszlo that signs all the fannies.”

Breaking news: 2 Plane loads of volunteers from Ibrox have taken off from Prestwick Airport heading for Haiti to assist with the looting and rioting.

A container holding 250,000 Hearts tops was returned to the Scottish Executive today by the people of Haiti. Attached was a not saying “We have no homes, no food and no water but we still have our dignity.”

I loaned the Jambo next door £20 last week and haven’t seen him since….feckin’ bargain!

Csaba Laszlo and Yogi Hughes are in the pub.  Laslo buys the first drinks, Yogi gets the next round in and then Csaba goes up again, once those drinks are done, Yogi turns round to Csaba and says “Shouldn’t you fuck off now, it’s the 4th round!”

Be careful , driving conditions are awful tonight.  I just came off the road and hit a Jambo.  It took e ten minutes, two fields & a golf course but I finally got him.

What’s the differance between Christian Nade and a beach ball?

The beach ball has scored this season.

Thanks to Brainwrong for many of these.

If you enjoyed this you might want to see some of the best and worst beards in football.

Hearts wind up youth training

August 24th, 2009 1 Comment »

Hearts have started to wind up their youth development training due to lack of funds.  The Jambos, whose financial problems have been well documented and long running are unable to afford to continue some training sessions.

Kids whose training sessions should have started this week have been sent home after being told that the sessions would not be continuing for financial reasons.

Could this be the perfect time for Hibs to expand their youth development scheme?

The Christian Nadé Goal Challenge

August 23rd, 2009 2 Comments »
Christian Nade

Christian Nade yesterday

It is now 645 735 750 773 809 876 935 playing minutes since Christian Nadé scored a league goal.

Hearts’ Christian Nade’s Wikipedia page has been the victim of some appalling vandalism over the last couple of days.  The entry for the rotund, talent bereft striker’s full name was changed to Christian Steak Bake Nade and his position to Halfway Line Marker.  It is believed that this malicious mischief may have been the act of a Hibs fan.

Mr Nade is a well known object of ridicule amongst the followers of the Hibees.  Since Hibs now have at least 5 or 6 strikers strikers who would walk into the Hearts first team and because Hearts have failed to strengthen at all during the close season, slagging “Steak Bake” Nade as a proxy for Heart of Midlothian Football Club has become endemic in Edinburgh.

Nade, who signed for the Jambos two years ago from Sheffield United and has established himself in their first team, has amassed a total of 6 league goals in 39 games.  An average of 0.154 per game.  His tally last season was 3 in 39 games, less than half the number of yellow cards he received (7).  On the other side of the city, Derek Riordan has almost reached Nade’s total from last season in just two games and has a record of 68 goals in 130 games for Hibs (0.52 per game).

Hearts manager, Csaba Laszlo has been quoted as being pretty unhappy about the apparent lack of funds available to bring in players after Hibs beat Hearts to the signature of Anthony Stokes.  That race was the equivalent of Usain Bolt against, well, Christian Nadé but that doesn’t seem so obvious to Shabby who is now making ultimatums with Vladamir Romanov.  Only one winner there I feel.

So, after two games this season, Nade has failed to score any goals.  It seems only fair to track the number of minutes until he gets a league goal.  His last was against Aberdeen on Valentines day 2009.  He scored at 45 minutes and hasn’t since.   645 735 750 773 809 876 935 minutes on the pitch and counting….

Update: Rumours that the newspapers are shortly to be full of stories about a certain Jambo cavorting naked on the internet have not been confirmed.

Nade rumour thread

Update 2: Nade rumours have not gained any further credibility but lardy boy has not played a game since the rumours broke.  That’s a real shame since it means I’ve been unable to update this post since.  Hearts still don’t seem to be scoring much though so all is good.

Update 3: His appearance against StMirren is Nade’s first game back since Csaba Laszlo said “Nade is without a goal so far this season and his time at Tynecastle has been marked by injury. The players commitment has been called into question as he has struggle to keep his weight under control.”

Update 4: Steak Bake Nade was fined for driving without a license this week but showed his detractors his real (comedy) value by spending another fruitless 36 minutes on the pitch in Heart’s draw in Aberdeen.  So, 7 points for lardy boy this week.

Update 5: During the week, fat ass Nade made the outlandish claim “I’m going to score, definitely.” He got his first start for Hearts for a while and lasted 67 minutes before being subbed by fellow huddy David Witteveen. Nade, along with his team mates, failed to score a single goal at home to bottom of the league strugglers Falkirk.

Update 6:  Nade went off injured in 59mins of non-scoring at Motherwell.  Acording to Shabba it’s not that bad though so fortunately it looks like he’ll be starting in the derby next week.

Anthony Stokes Signs for Hibs

August 20th, 2009 No Comments »

Hibs have signed Anthony Stokes from Sunderland.  Apparently there will be a press conference tomorrow to make the announcement.

It’s been widely rumoured since Yogi arrived at the club that Stokes would return to play for him after an uneventful spell down south.  Stokes signed for Sunderland for around £2 million so you’d have to figure that Hibs have paid some sort of fee to get him back to Scotland.  Lets hope he can find the form that got him that transfer in the first place.

This is a genuinely exciting signing and along with the return of Benji and Zemmama and addition of 3 midfielders who all, so far, look the biz – we could be in for a decent season.

To top it all, the Jambos were humped in 4-0 by Dynamo Zagreb tonight too.  Happy days!

Here are links to his hatrick for Falkirk against Dunfermline:

Goal 1 Goal 2 Goal 3

Hibs above Rangers and Celtic. Hearts are insolvent.

July 15th, 2009 8 Comments »

Credit rating company, Equifax has released details of the ratings of SPL clubs.  As you’d expect, Hibs fare pretty well, coming in 3rd place behind St. Mirren and St. Johnstone who both had maximum points of 100.  Hibs have 87 points which Equifax rate as an “A” – Very Good Score.  The funny stuff comes nearer the bottom were Hearts are listed as “insolvent” which comes as no real surprise but is still nice to see from an authoritative source.  Motherwell are also listed as insolvent and Hamilton get 2 points.

I was amused to see Dundee United at 42 points but actually that’s a “D” – Avergae Score. 42 is pretty good when compared to the English Premiership teams, only 5 of whom get over 50 points and 11 of whom are technically insolvent.

So, what does it all mean? Absolutely bugger all.  More recession scaremongery and a company (Equifax) inventing a press release purely for the publicity.

EQUIFAX’S SCOTTISH PREMIER LEAGUE CREDIT RATINGS TABLE

Club Score out of 100 Technically Insolvent
St. Johnstone 100
St. Mirren 100
Hibernian 87
Rangers 84
Celtic 79
Aberdeen 78
Kilmarnock 71
Falkirk 57
Dundee United 42
Hamilton Academical 2 Yes
Hearts 0 Yes
*Motherwell 0 Yes

*Motherwell Football and Athletic Club Limited is a company voluntary arrangement, so automatically given zero points and insolvency rating.

EQUIFAX’S PREMIERSHIP CREDIT RATINGS TABLE

Club Score out of 100 Technically Insolvent
Man Utd 100
Arsenal 98
WBA 78
Blackburn Rovers 68
Tottenham 50
Sunderland 37
West Ham 37
Manchester City 27
Liverpool 26
Fulham 20 Yes
Everton 18 Yes
Newcastle Utd 12 Yes
Aston Villa 10 Yes
Chelsea 10 Yes
Middlesbrough 7 Yes
Bolton Wanderers 5 Yes
Portsmouth 2 Yes
Wigan Athletic 2 Yes
Stoke City 2 Yes
Hull City 1 Yes