Aug 23
Christian Nade

Christian Nade yesterday

It is now 645 735 750 773 809 876 935 playing minutes since Christian Nadé scored a league goal.

Hearts’ Christian Nade’s Wikipedia page has been the victim of some appalling vandalism over the last couple of days.  The entry for the rotund, talent bereft striker’s full name was changed to Christian Steak Bake Nade and his position to Halfway Line Marker.  It is believed that this malicious mischief may have been the act of a Hibs fan.

Mr Nade is a well known object of ridicule amongst the followers of the Hibees.  Since Hibs now have at least 5 or 6 strikers strikers who would walk into the Hearts first team and because Hearts have failed to strengthen at all during the close season, slagging “Steak Bake” Nade as a proxy for Heart of Midlothian Football Club has become endemic in Edinburgh.

Nade, who signed for the Jambos two years ago from Sheffield United and has established himself in their first team, has amassed a total of 6 league goals in 39 games.  An average of 0.154 per game.  His tally last season was 3 in 39 games, less than half the number of yellow cards he received (7).  On the other side of the city, Derek Riordan has almost reached Nade’s total from last season in just two games and has a record of 68 goals in 130 games for Hibs (0.52 per game).

Hearts manager, Csaba Laszlo has been quoted as being pretty unhappy about the apparent lack of funds available to bring in players after Hibs beat Hearts to the signature of Anthony Stokes.  That race was the equivalent of Usain Bolt against, well, Christian Nadé but that doesn’t seem so obvious to Shabby who is now making ultimatums with Vladamir Romanov.  Only one winner there I feel.

So, after two games this season, Nade has failed to score any goals.  It seems only fair to track the number of minutes until he gets a league goal.  His last was against Aberdeen on Valentines day 2009.  He scored at 45 minutes and hasn’t since.   645 735 750 773 809 876 935 minutes on the pitch and counting….

Update: Rumours that the newspapers are shortly to be full of stories about a certain Jambo cavorting naked on the internet have not been confirmed.

Nade rumour thread

Update 2: Nade rumours have not gained any further credibility but lardy boy has not played a game since the rumours broke.  That’s a real shame since it means I’ve been unable to update this post since.  Hearts still don’t seem to be scoring much though so all is good.

Update 3: His appearance against StMirren is Nade’s first game back since Csaba Laszlo said “Nade is without a goal so far this season and his time at Tynecastle has been marked by injury. The players commitment has been called into question as he has struggle to keep his weight under control.”

Update 4: Steak Bake Nade was fined for driving without a license this week but showed his detractors his real (comedy) value by spending another fruitless 36 minutes on the pitch in Heart’s draw in Aberdeen.  So, 7 points for lardy boy this week.

Update 5: During the week, fat ass Nade made the outlandish claim “I’m going to score, definitely.” He got his first start for Hearts for a while and lasted 67 minutes before being subbed by fellow huddy David Witteveen. Nade, along with his team mates, failed to score a single goal at home to bottom of the league strugglers Falkirk.

Update 6:  Nade went off injured in 59mins of non-scoring at Motherwell.  Acording to Shabba it’s not that bad though so fortunately it looks like he’ll be starting in the derby next week.

2 Responses to “The Christian Nadé Goal Challenge”

  1. Football Jokes Says:

    [...] News: Hearts striker Christian Nade has been diagnosed MRSA, the flesh eating disease. Doctors have given the fat bastard 40 years to [...]

  2. Sour Alba Says:

    Judging by that picture, the big fella’s lost some weight. Has he found some new friends to exercise with?

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